Pooh and I continued what I like to call "my first relationship" for about 2 weeks. Back then, we were practically married -- the attention span of a 9 year old is extremely short.
It was fun while it lasted. Days filled with cheek kisses, hugs, stolen touches when no one was looking and playing 'house'. If you don't know the game of house, you probably didn't have much of a childhood. It was pretty much pretending that we were and adult couple who lived together. He was the boy, I was the girl -- we were too young to know what tops and bottoms were.
One day specifically, I remember it being very hot outside. My mom always bought boxes of Luigi's Italian Ice during the summer. I took one outside to Pooh and we went behind the my apartment building to eat them -- we didn't want to share with any of our other friends.
After we were finished, I sat my cup and spoon down beside me and looked over at Pooh who was still eating. We locked eyes for a brief while before he leaned in and kissed me on my lips. I'm sure it wasn't that great, but then it felt amazing. That day he introduced me to 'giving head' (oral sex) when he pulled out his dick and asked me to suck it. I was hesitant but thought this is what I'm supposed to do. He was 4 years older than I, so I thought he already knew. Neither one of us knew what we were doing...
That was a big step. I knew it was wrong, especially at 9. What the hell was I doing? So inappropriate.
The day we 'broke up', I caught him outside playing house with this girl named Kiara. In front of all of our friends, he told her that he liked her and asked if she could be his girlfriend. My feelings were so hurt. I remember going in the house, to my room and crying for about 15-20 minutes.
Pooh introduced me to the struggle that we all face as African America Gay Men. I didn't understand at the time, but we are conditioned to hold up a certain stereotype and image to be a "man". You have to be into sports, have a nice body, and "fuck bitches". Honestly, those stereotypes can go to hell... but unfortunately it's something that we all face.
Our fathers, friends and communities introduce us to the idea of patriarchy early on, "boys don't cry"... "stop acting gay". Those words burn holes in our minds and hearts and even though we know what we like, we fight ourselves to convince ourselves otherwise. Men are supposed to be supreme beings who don't have emotions and feelings. We are strong. We don't cry. I honestly think it's all bullshit. I'm a masculine man -- I cry, I have feelings and I like other masculine MEN. That's what makes me strong. Accept it. I wish Pooh would have.
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